Foster Care Week 2024 | Meet Pam and Joe – Foster carers for over 36 years

Life laughs at you when you are unhappy; Life smiles at you when you are happy; But life salutes you when you make others happy.  – Charlie Chaplin.

You hear the tinkling of laughter before you see the couple wheeling in a pram with Baby M inside. You can tell they’re a good team with an easy rapport borne from over  52 years of marriage together and a full life of opening their home (and their hearts) to endless caring. Of making others happy.

Meet Pam (73) and Joe (76), two members of Baptcare’s wonderful foster care community who have looked after over 300 children in their 36 years of foster caring. They are currently looking after two children, ranging from four-month-old Baby M to a young girl who has lived with them for over 13 years. We had the pleasure of chatting (and laughing) with them as they talked about their years of foster caring including the question on most people’s minds – what motivates them to continue as foster carers after all these years?

What drew you to foster caring?

Pam (laughing):  I’ve always liked kids, plus we’re suckers for being roped into community things. When our youngest boy was 10 years old, there was a callout for foster care families in the local school newsletter. I was a stay-at-home Mum and I thought “I reckon we could do that.” So, we had a big family discussion and we decided that we’d have a go. All the family – including our three boys who were aged 10,13 and 15 at the time – did the 4-week training together. We ended up getting our first child – a little 16-month old girl – on the day we were approved as carers!

What do you remember about that time?

Pam: When we got our first little girl, she hadn’t been walking long and she kept falling over. I freaked out! I rang the case worker after two weeks and said, “I can’t do this anymore ‘cos she keeps falling over.” He said, ‘but Pam, she’s a kid – what do you expect?” I was afraid that she’d hurt herself but my caseworker calmed me down, and here we are still caring 36 years later!

Joe: When you look back, our three boys fell over all the time too when they were little and you didn’t fuss…but you felt nervous because this little girl wasn’t yours.

Was it hard to say goodbye to this first child and to your future foster children?

Pam: with the first little girl, I always knew that she was going back to her Mum, so that helped. But yes, it can be hard to say goodbye.

When I first told my Mum that we were going to be doing foster caring, she said you’re going to have to be really hard, and I think you do become a bit hard when it comes to saying goodbye.

Joe: You have to draw the line in the sand and accept that they will need to leave one day.

Pam: I remember that first experience because she left us in the morning and then I was given a newborn baby later that same day! I remember thinking – “is this what it’s really like? I thought this only happened in America” (laughing).

Joe: Sometimes it can be like that – kids coming in and out. I remember one time when . I left for work at Bunnings at 7.30. Pam got a call asking her if we’d accept a baby immediately.

By the time I got home from work, that baby had left and gone to their grandparents.

What’s the longest time you’ve cared for a foster child?

Joe: 18 years. His name was Jay.

Jay had non-accidental injuries from birth and required 24/7 care from the time we got him until the time he left us. He is in heaven now. He had spastic quadriplegia and cerebral palsy, as well as vision impairment. When we got Jay – he was a newborn baby and in hospital with non-accidental injuries. Looking after him was pretty challenging – it took two of us to feed him – (Joe interjects) – with a syringe! He had internal mouth injuries and couldn’t suck and this made things difficult.

We never knew if he could see but his hearing was accurate and he knew his environment. His face would light up when he was coming home to us on a Friday night on the school bus.

I took him out to a school function and a teacher commented that she has never seen a child’s face light up as much as Jay’s when I wheeled him in. You never really knew what Jay knew but he did smile. I’d take him to work for a function – like a footy pie night and when I saw everyone was talking to him – the interaction – it just made you feel that fire inside – you know, like a happy glow.

There’s a pause as Joe shows us a necklace from his neck that holds a ring and a peace sign pendant. Soon there’s not a dry eye in the room.

Joe: This is a 21^st birthday ring from Pam and the one that looks like a peace symbol – it’s hollow – and it has Jay’s ashes in it. I wear it everywhere.

How did your kids react to having foster children in your home?

Pam/Joe: Our kids were at a stage where they were getting more independent and they seemed to enjoy it from the beginning. The kids were old enough to realise how good their life was and how hard it was for other kids. Before foster caring they wanted the latest Kiss t-shirts and NIKE runners but we couldn’t afford it. But when we started to do foster caring, they realised how lucky they were because they saw foster kids come to our home with literally nothing. Nothing. Or some kids would arrive in just a nappy and a dirty t-shirt with holes in it.

What are some of your biggest challenges in being foster carers?

The administrative things regarding Children’s court proceedings and the endless postponements.

If you were on a panel choosing a foster carer – what would you look for?

Pam with Joe nodding: Compassion and caring and the ability to adapt to any situation.

The biggest joys of your fostering experience?

Pam: I like doing it otherwise I wouldn’t keep doing it. But you don’t do it for any formal recognition. It’s what you get back from the kids that makes it all worth it.You get the recognition from the kids. (Joe in background agreeing).

Do you have any standout special moments from your foster caring journey?

Joe: Yes, our youngest son has photos of Jay hanging up on the wall and Jay was the ring bearer at one of our son’s wedding. That’s pretty special.

Also – and you’re going to want to make notes about this story – recently, we were blown away by something our three-year-old foster child said.

We were asked to take on a very ill baby with a significant heart defect and we knew her time with us might be limited. We had a family meeting with the three kids in our care ranging from 15 to two years old to discuss what we’d do as a family. The three-year-old said that we should absolutely take the baby and care for her. She told everyone that the baby had a broken heart and that we had to keep her healthy and safe.

That came out of her mouth! Can you believe it? The fact that those words came out of her mouth is just mind boggling!

At this point, Jacqui Bance (member of Baptcare’s Foster Care team) joins in the interview:

I think that speaks to what you and Joe teach kids in your care. It speaks about what you’re teaching them – what they’re absorbing.

Joe: You ask us why we do it? Because we can get a three-year-old to say that about someone else who is coming into our family.

The baby did come and stay with us and she has gone to heaven now. We had to tell the three-year-old that she’s gone to heaven and the three-year-old is telling everyone that the baby is watching them play from heaven.

Our 14-year-old knew Jay before he passed, so the little girl now says that the baby and Jay are now watching us from heaven.

That’s what you get out of fostering. Just that. To think that three-year-old who is now 4 years old – can think like that – and she’s that perceptive.

Jacqui: You’ve set these kids up for life because you’ve instilled those principles. You’ve set them up. That’s all you guys.

The theme for Foster Care Week 2024 is Today’s carers/Tomorrow’s future. Thank you, Pam and Joe, for all that you do. Your care today is absolutely tomorrow’s future.

Think you’re ready to take the first step to becoming a foster carer?

Give Jacqui a call on 0409 591 895 or visit our website for more information